if my life were replicated

you'd have a lot of people in emotional cubicles,

if people actually thought I had a gift they wanted,
if they had to deal with the other parts of my life
that go with it, I'm very sure they would back out
rather fast,

not to complain, it's just my situation I'm stating,

not one person in my entire life tries to reach me,
my brother doesn't wanna talk to me,

people I thought were friends never try to connect
with me, my doctor & the nurses & cops the last
three years treated me like human garbage,

if people had to deal with my daily life absent or
even with my gifts I'm very sure the suicide rate
in those nations wanting my gifts & also getting
the down sides, I'm very sure those nations
suicide rates would be very high,

I haven't been suicidal since summer of 2006,
& the things that got me to where I am, yep
had about 6 suicide attempts between summer
of 2002 & 2006,

what has given my most of what I need to keep going
was my violent up brining & my father's violence to
me,

no one cared back then & no one cares now,

if you tried to replicate my life for your nations,
I'm sure you'd also have a myriad of suicide attempts
for yours as well,

people are so quick to jump the gun & think they can
all do someth another can do, in sport they call it
being the Emperor & you know what there is
only one,

you could easily say I have been de-sensitized no
different than guys in the military, but you know
whatI imagine if you gave guys in the military
mine or my brother's diet they would protest
very fast, my brother & I have been brutally
de-sensitized, even to foods & eating the same
things day in day out, or not living with the same
creature comforts the world at large desires to
enjoy,

living mine or my brother's life is a life full of denial
of many things & some of those things are the
variety most people desire, my brother & I
have been very de-sensitized to things & can
live with not much in terms of bells & whistles
to get by,

you could definitely cal my brother & myself
one word, & it's for real, the word you could tag
my brother & I with would be, "ascetic", bingo,

when nuclear war goes off one of these days,
unless the USA has dry lines in their nuclear
silos, well if the USA has dry lines, they will
 have no answer to China lighting up the entire
N America at large, if the USA has dry lines,
get ready,

on top of that, china would never let the USA
come pick me up, if anyone other than Rusia
or china come to get me, china won't let
another nation besides china & russia to pick
me up, other wise the balance of power
would change, & nope china won't let the
balance of power shift with me to the USA,

most of what has created me is a life of
extreme pain, if you go through enough pain
you get de-sensitized, I've never been in
the military or taken that kind of training
but I imagine you could say my life were
comparable,

a youth spent with a father who was violent,
getting roughed up these last three years, the
7 or 8 years I spent in extremely brutal general
anxiety due to a certain anti-depressant, the
years I spent with my exaggerate general
anxiety is the biggest thing that created who I am,
on top of the last three years of getting locked
up 6 times & the medications I have to take,

one of the medications I take causes me to vomit
& suffocate for hours every night, this too has had
 a hand in turning me out the way I have,

&i would be remiss if I didn't note the boost of
my studying the scriptures did to help me out, if I
had not one had the medications & the months
of studying the scriptures I'd have nothing,

if I had to say the minimal of what got me to where
I am it would be the emotional trauma of medications
& the bouts with getting locked up & also studying the
scriptures, in the least these are the things that
brought me to where I am,

first of all I had to deal with 7 or 8 years of extremely
painful general anxiety from certain medications &
that trauma paved the way for the rest of the events
to take place, the trauma of the anxiety made me look
art life from a different angle, you could say I
became more spiritual & introspective & interested
in things not quantified by the physical,

I became interested in the science of psychology &
read some of those books, studied the craft of zen,
read some zen books,

the extreme pain of the general anxiety broke up
my fallow ground to be ready for more openings
of the mind than being white picket fenced, I
became a vessel with the lid removed & ready
to have my said vessel filled from teaching or
the things I experienced that opened my eyes
to see more than just the A B C but more of
fractions & decimals than just the 1, 10, 20,,
I saw deeper than the 1, 100, 200, I saw
between the gears of the perception of our
reality, that certain anti-depressant acted on me
like most psychedelics affect the sensory
perceptions for our reality,

the anxiety opened my mind for a much deeper
reality & aboundingly massive increase in my abilities
involved with my sensory perception, my
ability to read people & to see between peoples words
& examine interactions much more deeply,

the following is an easy example, maybe others are there,
who knows,

you talk to the cashier at starbucks & you say, " I like it hot"

the innuendo of the word hot & whether you are
emotionally soiled to use the word hot while you talk to a woman,

a possible better response would be, ah forget it,
you know what I mean,

to say exactly what you mean & not just say what you can say,

to say exactly what you mean that there is no room
for error or miss reading what you've said,

if you are talking to a stripper & you say certain key words you'll
get different responses, but if you say exactly what you mean
you have the opportunity to say only what you mean,

you could easily turn every conversation into
an interrogation session to read people, &
get into people's heads, if you are skilled at
gaming people oh ya, but most people aren't on
game time constantly & anyone can get caught,
especially if there is sugar on the plate,

basically I am a product of a few things common to
many, being the son of an abusive father, being
turned away from those I thought were friends,
a lot of emotional trauma fro medications, being
the recipient of a very strong woman, having a
strong woman will almost always get you
involved with the psychiatric side of medicine,

the 6 arrests the last three years did a lot to me,
the emotional trauma from brutal medications,
I'd say the real begining to my growth was in
spring of 2003 & it has taken me these ten
years to get to the state I am now, yep ten
long years to get to where I am now, you
can't speed up emotional growth, it takes it's
own course & everybody is different,

my intense studying of the scriptures from march
2010 to December of 2010 also did a lot to
morph me, without the scriptures I'd be no where,

I've become de-sensitized to a lot of forms of pain,
sometimes you just have to lay down & take the
beating before your time to get up & fight is in place,

if my emotional growth were replicated in another,
it could be 10 to 15 or 20 years before you get good
ground to stand on, but once it starts you can't go back
to your past life you are being put on cruise control
till the metamorphosis if your being grows to at least
a partially tolerable state,

those who go through these life changes are never
really happy or content cuz the itch in your emotional
state is always moving inside,

those who get on the type of path I am on are always
growing & always in a lot of emotional pain, things
that one had that were easy pastimes disappear
& many times you  lose them all together or taste
them on rare occasion, but there is never a state
of peace for those on the path, the emotional
brokeness is so powerful most people in these
states are good for nothing more than sitting
around smoking & drinking coffee,

the trauma of these changes are so powerful that
most have nothing left to live for & the rest of their
life is nothing more than a battle,

they get a lot of emotional gifts, but the trauma
that this path is, the trauma of this travel through
one's self is extreme,

any who enter this trip never really comes out,

from spring of 2003 till I got the holy ghost in
February or March of 2010 it was a very long
hard slog, a lot of emotional trauma, & after
I got the holy ghost people rallied against me
& put me in the psyche-ward 6 times till spring
of 2012,

if you become an oxen like me & you are
surrounded by bulls you will never be safe,
bulls hate Oxen,

if people desire to make Oxen you can
not control them, in Corinthians it talks about
some who fell asleep from jioning with the gang,
this is not death but losing the status of Oxen
& losing all gifts & falling back no doubt to worse
than they were before,

it's impossible to create an Oxen to be like a genie in
a bottle cuz if you try & the person cedes to those
in control that person who is an Oxen will either rebel
or lose their gifts, you can't make an Oxen to be
your genie genie in a bottle cuz it will either cause him to
lose the gift or rebel,

it's like treating your wife like a bottle off the shelf
everytime you want a drink, won't work,

if a handful or more military experiments create
Oxen, the entire military will be eaten inside out as
those Oxen act as a cancer to take the whole
thing down,

if any possible experiments in the military yield
Oxen, then themselves will destroy the USA
military, they will eat it away like the ascent
of Africans into popular media, they will reform
the entire military, 

you can't treat an oxen like something you
can take off & put back on the shelf, you
can't control Oxen the way you can with bulls
who are blind & follow,

for me for over 20 years one of my favorite
passtimes was being a cutter, I'm over it now,
but having a lot of emotional pain can push
you there, it wasn't till 20 years after my
first marks that I started to blaze my face,
that was the first time people began to
take offence,

before that a lot of blood on the floor, one
night late 90s I bled enough to smell it,
smells very ironie, one time I cut my chest
so deep it squirted,

I always knew I'd do my face, that was
when people finally protested,

people get piercing or tattoos but you can't
be outside the box in a land with it's head
in the ground I guess,

I suffer from a lot of exhaustion due to
the emotional trauma I've had to deal with,

I have to lay down for hours everyday to
recharge my batteries,

if others had to go through what I have,
they would never be able to hold down a job
or be strong enough emotionally to have
any demands put on them with out making
them break down & be put to a bed for
months to recover from said job or demands,

any who go through what I have would
never be able to cope with even daily
chores to get their lives by,

any who have gone through what I have
would never be able to do anything more
than sit around & try to rest every day
long enough to try to get enough energy
just to go from one day to the next,

those who go through my type of life would
be so emotionally & physically exhausted that
even daily chores would be too burdensome to
go from one day to the next with out breaking
down on a daily basis,

if my life were replicated in a big pool of people,
easily every one of them would be way too
emotionally exhausted even to take care of
day to day duties,

if people thought they could weaponize it
for their military, you d end up with a
military too broken to get out of bed,
you might as well put them all in wheelchairs,

they would be too emotionally disabled even
for day to day duties even just to get by &
live their lives, they wouldn't be living lives,
they would be spending their days trying
 just to cope with being alive,

if people think I live like a king, you'd be
mistaken,

any who would go through a life like mine
would always be too emotionally broken to
do anything more than sit around & drink coffee
& smoke cigarettes, even a menial job of picking
up garbage off the street would prove to much
demand on those,